ext_211081 ([identity profile] sapphirebreeze.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] koilungfish 2007-05-08 07:26 pm (UTC)

Hmm. Good. And the reader really needed the humor generated by Prowl's fall at the end... right until that point I had thought, "Goodness, it's a good thing Koi does these so far apart! Otherwise it's just 'tense tense tense tense tense tense' with no release!" But then you provided release, so all is improved.

The air was filled with unseen pollen, brushing over his surface, dry as memories.

This sentence feels strange in my head. That first comma feels awkward. I can see why you'd need it, but... don't know. It causes my internal narration to hitch-up where it doesn't want to hitch-up. I'm sorry I can't be clearer or more helpful.

"Don’t think we're too late, Prowl," Jazz said softly, making Bluestreak flinch at the loudness.

This contrast from the earlier ones in this series is interesting. Before, it was the silence that was grating on Bluestreak, but now he's adapted to it that even soft voices make him flinch.

"Decepticons move at dawn," Prowl reminded them. "We could be attacked at any moment."

*snickers!* "Decepticons! We attack... at dawn!" (This tendancy also, BTW, makes me think a bit of a scene from Peter and Wendy.)

Not in front, not behind, not on either side, not above, nt below.

Not below.

And that's it for specific comments!

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